EASY PICKINGS ©

by Jim Caswell

FADE IN
EXT. OF CHICAGO STREET CORNER - MID-AFTERNOON
WIDE ANGLE
It is a cold, snowy, crowded Christmas afternoon on the streets of Chicago. A curbside Santa Claus is working in front of a corner drug store across the street from the local bank.

EASY (voice-over)
It happens every year. The 12th Precinct requires every member of the squad
to volunteer at least one shift to the Red Cross for bell ringing.
And I'll tell ya, it ruins more than one holiday season.

ZOOM TO MEDIUM SHOT OF CORNER
A closer view of the Santa is now available, with the features of EASY JACOBSON able to be seen under the hat and fake beard. He looks less than pleased to be doing this.

Six open cases on my desk and I'm stuck here ringing a bell.
At least I only have about ten minutes left to this shift.

CUT TO EASY'S POV- PAN SHOT OF AREA
Seeing through Easy's eyes, we get the chance to survey the area. The streets are crowded with shoppers with arms filled with packages. Occasionally some passerby will drop loose change or pull out a bill and drop it into the bucket.

EASY
Merry Christmas.

Across the road, a clear view is available of the bank. The clock on the outside of the building shows the time as 2:45 PM. As we watch, an armored car pulls up to the bank and stops.

EASY (voice-over)
Those boys over there really should be a bit more careful.
From what Harry and Steve have told me, they always show up at 2:45 on the dot.
Way too predictable.

ZOOM TO MEDIUM SHOT OF BANK ENTRANCE
While the guards begin walking inside, another Santa Claus follows them. This one is carrying a large, red, bulging sack that is hanging as if something flat and rectangular is inside.

Now that's strange. I could have sworn there wasn't a bank Santa stationed over there.
That, and what's in his bag?

WOMAN PASSERBY
Excuse me sir.

PAN TO MEDIUM SHOT OF WOMAN
A middle-aged woman is standing just to the side of Easy's bucket. As she starts to speak, she waves a hand in front of Easy's face, forcing his attention to her. She is dressed in a full-length mink coat with a long string of pearls showing through the opening of her coat. She has signs of being in her mid to late 40's, though she has paid good money to have a body that looks much younger. Unfortunately, it shows.

WOMAN PASSERBY (exasperated)
Excuse me.

EASY
Yes.

The woman thrusts out a fifty-dollar bill.

WOMAN PASSERBY
Do you have change for a fifty?

CUT TO TWO SHOT
While the Santa suit covers his face and body, Easy is clearly provoked.

EASY
I beg your pardon?

WOMAN PASSERBY
Do you have change? This is the smallest I've got.

The woman provides a smile that is meant to be sincere, but comes across as snobbish.

EASY
I don't think so.

WOMAN PASSERBY
Oh, but if you could go through the pot, I'm sure that you can find enough.

Easy is clearly ticked off by now.

EASY
Listen lady. I don't do change. You can drop the money in the bucket or not.
I don't care. If you want a bank, there's one right across the street.

Easy points toward the bank.

PAN TO MEDIUM SHOT BANK ENTRANCE
A small burst of gunfire is heard from the bank, though barely audible over the noise of the street. Those closest to the bank begin reacting and a panic quickly ensues.

CUT TO MEDIUM TWO SHOT OF EASY AND WOMAN
The woman has a shocked look on her face and clutches at her pearls. Easy, on the other hand, scans the area.

CUT TO EASY'S POV
Easy spots a third Santa moving towards him.

EASY
Matt!

MATT - a fellow officer from the precinct - perks up and starts running towards Easy.

MATT
What the Hell is going on?

CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF EASY
Easy is making his way away from the bucket and towards the street.

EASY
Shots fired. I'm going to check it out. Call for backup.
This is going to get messy quick if we can't get this crowd under control.

ZOOM OUT TO MOVING SHOT
Easy starts maneuvering his way through the crowd against the tide. Matt has yet to reach the bucket.

MATT
Easy! Wait for some backup. You're not even on duty.

Easy doesn't hear - or completely ignores - the statements of his replacement. The Santa bursts through the door of the bank with his red sack over one shoulder and an uzi being waved around with the other. Dodging traffic and moving as quickly as possible, Easy maneuvers to the other side of the street, as the thief takes off running in the opposite direction. Easy gives chase, struggling to remove his .38 revolver from its holster on his tailbone. As the gun finally breaks loose, a new wave of screams begins as the two Santas run through downtown wielding weapons.

CUT TO WIDE SIDE ANGLE SHOT
People try their best to move out of the way of the two Santas, but with the streets being crowded, not everyone is moving as fast as they would wish. Those who remain in the bad Santa's way are pushed down and/or trampled. Easy does his best to avoid these people, but is occasionally tripped up by them. On the third trip, Easy looks down at whom he has tripped over.

CUT TO TIGHT TWO SHOT - EASY'S POV
Easy looks into the eyes of a four-year-old girl who is frantically being covered by her mother. The girl is obviously scared out of her mind by the sight of not one, but two Santas waving guns and hurting people.

EASY (voice-over)
That kid is in for some serious therapy. I gotta nail that guy.

Easy breaks the contact to continue the chase.

CUT TO WIDE SIDE ANGLE SHOT
Every once and a while, the bad Santa fires blindly behind himself, but proves to be firing wildly. This does not help Easy's progression, however, as it sends the people around him into even more of a panic. Easy does not return fire.

PAN TO EXT. UNION STATION - SAME TIME
WIDE SHOT
The bad Santa has managed to gain a block lead on Easy as he approaches Union Station. Shoving his way through the doors, he disappears inside. Easy continues to work his way through the crowd and follows soon after.

CUT TO INT. UNION STATION - SAME TIME
WIDE ONE SHOT
Easy steps through the doors to find Union Station packed with people. Even with a gun in his hand, he draws no attention as people try to push past him to get out. There is no sign of the bad Santa. Easy quickly slides the .38 into the pocket of his Santa coat and begins to move into the crowd.

CUT TO MOVING MEDIUM SHOT - EASY'S POV
Easy begins to scan the crowd, looking at the different faces that enter his field of vision.

EASY (voice-over)
I know that he's in here. There are a ton of potential hostages within reach.
I hope that backup shows soon. There is no way we're going to be able to close
this place down without him slipping through the cracks. But where can he possibly be?
He should stick out like a sore thumb.... like me.

At this point, RUDY exits from the public restrooms. He is wearing a open brown sports coat over a dark T-shirt which is sweat-soaked and a pair of jeans. He is carrying a tan briefcase and is moving towards the trains. Easy focuses in on him and begins to move in the same direction.

That's strange. It’s the middle of winter,
and this guy is wearing a light sports coat and is sweating like a pig.

Easy attempts to pick up speed and close the gap.

PAN TO INT. SOUTHERN BELL BOOTH - SAME TIME
MEDIUM SHOT
Rudy slides out of the main traffic flow to cut through a restaurant nook. He glances back and spots Easy coming in his direction. Easy is visible in the distance and attempts to move faster. Rudy moves towards a group of teenage girls who are waiting in line.

EASY
Hold it buddy! You don't want to go there!

Rudy grabs the closest girl by the hair and pulls her toward him. As the others start to react, he swings the uzi out from under his sports coat and points it in his face. The girls scream, which draws the attention of the crowd and they react with panic.

RUDY
Everybody get out. Now!

Holding on to the girl, he waves the gun in the air and squeezes the trigger. The gunfire scatters the crowd around them, leaving the nook empty. Easy is caught in the stampede of the crowd and is pushed back. With his gun hand, Rudy grabs hold of the metal gate and pulls it down.

FADE TO EXT. SHOT OF SOUTHERN BELL BOOTH - 30 MINUTES LATER
MEDIUM SHOT OF DOOR
The gate is still down, in the same position as when Rudy closed it.

PAN TO INT. UNION STATION - SAME TIME
WIDE SHOT
The station is now filled with police officers. In the midst of the crowd is Easy, still wearing the red pants and boots, but now stripped down to his T-shirt on top.

ZOOM TO MEDIUM TWO SHOT
A man in a suit - RON - walks towards him. Easy notices him as he approaches and shows distain for the man's presence.

EASY
Ronny, what are you doing here?

RON
They need someone here to take control of the situation.

EASY
I've got the situation well in hand.

RON
There wouldn't be a situation if it weren’t for you.

EASY
What was I supposed to do, just let the guy get away?

Ron stands there and looks at him without answering.

I'm not even going to ask what you would have done.

RON
I'm taking over.
First of all, an investigator is supposed to be in charge of this sort of thing.
You are just a beat cop.

This draws dirty looks from all of the other police officers surrounding him.

Second, I've been trained in hostage negotiations. You have not.

EASY
You took one class at the community college.

Ron gives Easy a dirty look and continues.

RON
And three....

EASY
There is publicity available, and you want it.
Get out of my way, Ronnie, or you're going to wish to God that you had.

RON
Are you threatening a superior officer?

EASY
Nope. An inferior one.

Easy walks away to greet JENNY, who has just entered the scene. Even though she is bundled up for outdoor patrol, she still looks good.

EASY
Hey there good looking. Come here often?

JENNY
Very funny. I hear you've been getting into trouble without me again.

EASY
Sorry.

JENNY
You don't seem very happy.

EASY
These boots are killing my feet.

JENNY
What's going on? I was putting Stanley's saddle on when the call came in.

EASY
The guy in there...

He points to the closed door.

... his name is Rudy Vasquez, decided that he wanted to make
a major withdrawal from the bank. Just one problem.

JENNY
He didn't have an account there. I know the joke.

EASY
I was across the street. I heard the shots,
but didn't know that he had dropped the bank guard until everybody else got here.
I followed him here, and he grabbed a hostage.

JENNY
Have you heard anything out of him?

EASY
Not a peep, and I want to keep Ronnie away from him before he gives the kid any ideas.

JENNY
So what's the plan?

EASY
Well, I figured I would go in there and convince him to give up.

JENNY
And if he doesn't like that idea?

EASY
Then I shoot him through the head?

JENNY
That's my line.
Besides, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with your bum arm.

EASY
True. I'd do better throwing the dang thing at him.

JENNY
Would you like some backup?

EASY
Thought you'd never ask. Did you say Stanley's around?

JENNY
Yep.Parked out front. Had to put on the extra-thick blanket today.

EASY
Did you also pack your toys.

JENNY
They're my American Express cards. I never leave home without them.

EASY
That's my girl. Why don't you get one of them and cover me from....

CUT TO WIDE PAN SHOT OF THE AREA
Easy scans the area.

ZOOM TO MEDIUM SHOT OF CORNER
Easy picks the angle.

CUT TO MEDIUM TWO SHOT

...over there. Should provide you with enough cover.

JENNY
I ain't afraid of the guy shooting at me.

EASY
Not from the perp...

Easy motions his head toward Ron.

...from Sherlock over there.

JENNY
Understood. Be back in a minute.

Jenny turns to leave.

EASY
Have I told you lately how good you look?

JENNY
It's the uniform.

EASY
Must be it. The winter coat leaves so much to the imagination.
And the navy blue drives me wild.

JENNY
It is my favorite color. Remind me to never take it off then.

EASY
I wouldn't go that far.

Jenny leaves with a smile and Ron walks up.

RON
What do you two have cooking?

EASY
Nothing that you need to worry about, Ronnie.

RON
Don't even think about trying to pull anything, Easy.
Just remember, I'm in charge here.

Easy starts to walk away.

EASY
What ever you say, Ronnie.

RON
And quit calling me Ronnie!

PAN TO EXT. SOUTHERN BELL BOOTH - SAME TIME
Easy waves back at him while crossing over to the gate. As he reaches it, he reaches down and whips the door open.

INT. SOUTHERN BELL BOOTH - SAME TIME
MEDIUM THREE SHOT
Rudy is sitting on the counter with the briefcase beside him and the girl in front of him. The uzi is raised from his lap and waves between Easy and the girl in hesitation, and then settles on the girl.

RUDY
Are you nuts, man?

EASY
Some people seem to think so. Remember me?

RUDY
Yeah. You're the jackass that got me in this situation.

EASY
Actually, I think you have yourself to blame for this one.

RUDY
A smart guy.

He looks at the girl.

You hear that, honey. He's the cop who's gonna get you killed.

EASY
You really don't want to do that, Rudy.

RUDY
And why is that?

EASY
A couple of reasons.
Number one, you really don't want to add that type of trouble to yourself.

RUDY
I already killed one person. They can't fry me twice.

EASY
Your attorney will probably be able to plea-bargain that down to second degree homicide.
I really don't think you meant for things to go down like that.

RUDY
The old man tried to draw down on me.
Like he was Clint Eastwood or somethin'.

EASY
But if you shoot this girl, its premeditated. Murder One, no doubt about it.
That will get you zapped.
Number two, you don't want a hostage.
All you wanted was to get on some train and get out of the city.
What do you think the chances are of that now?

RUDY
I could make demands. I could ask for a car, a plane, whatever I want.

EASY
No you can't.

RUDY
Why not?

EASY
Because of number three.

ZOOM TO TIGHT SHOT OF RUDY
A little red dot appears between Rudy's eyes. The glow is clearly visible to him.

CUT TO MEDIUM THREE SHOT

My partner currently has a bead on you. If either her or I go down, you're dead.
No trial, no jury, just the coroner.

CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF RUDY
Rudy's eyes glaze over and beads of sweat appear on his forehead.

RUDY
Well, umm, it appears as though we have a bit of a standoff then.

CUT TO MEDIUM THREE SHOT

EASY
Nope. You see, I'm not a very patient man.
I'm the type that yells at the microwave to hurry.
So what I'm going to do is count to five,
at which point I'm going to drop to one knee and watch your brains get splattered.

CUT TO MEDIUM ONE SHOT
Rudy's hand begins to shake.

RUDY
Man, you are nuts. If I go, I'll take her with me.

CUT TO MEDIUM ONE SHOT OF EASY

EASY
Don't think so. Look at how bad your hand is shaking.
You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn right now. One.

CUT TO MEDIUM THREE SHOT

RUDY
Then I'll take you down.

Rudy turns the gun on Easy.

EASY
Don't think so. I'm even further away. Two.

Rudy begins to panic.

RUDY
But....

EASY
You only got one way out of this, son. That's to drop the gun and put your hands up.
Three.

CUT TO MEDIUM ONE SHOT
Scared out of his mind, Rudy tries to show confidence but fails miserably.

RUDY
You can't do this, man! I got rights!

CUT TO MEDIUM ONE SHOT OF EASY
Easy smiles at him.

EASY
Four.

CUT TO MEDIUM THREE SHOT
Rudy stands there in disbelief.

RUDY
OK man. You win.

Rudy drops the gun and raises his hands.

I give up.

ZOOM OUT TO WIDE SHOT
Police officers rush into the nook; half dragging the girl away and the others grabbing Rudy. Ron rushes up to Easy, grabs him by the shoulder and spins him around.

EASY
Get your hands off me, Ronnie.

RON
Just what in the hell do you think you were just doing?

EASY
My job.

RON
Your job? After that little display,
I'll have every member of the A.C.L.U. crawling up my ass.
We'll be lucky if we can convict the slime for jaywalking. Is that your job?

EASY
The girl's alive, isn't she?

RON
You violated his rights!

EASY
What about her rights? How about the rights of the two people he shot in the bank?

RON
You could have gotten everybody killed.

EASY
Nope. The kid didn't want to hurt anyone. He just wanted out.
He just didn't know it yet. I saw it the second I opened the door.

RON
The "kid" had an uzi! He had already killed a man.

EASY
The kid was scared. He wouldn't have hit anyone even if he had pulled the trigger.

RON
He had an uzi! You don't have to aim! You just wave it around while pulling the trigger!

EASY
In large-group situations, yes. But this wasn't a large group. I had it covered.

RON
Speaking of cover, where was that laser coming from? Where's Fitzgerald?

PAN TO MOVING TWO SHOT
Ron glances around, spots Jenny in the corner, and starts towards her.

I swear, I've been looking for a reason to nail that little bitch of yours.

Easy takes off with him.

EASY
Watch it Ronnie. You’re coming close.

RON
Up yours, Jacobson. Both of you blatantly disregard the rules whenever you feel like it.
Now I've got proof that G. I. Jane over there has been carrying and using unauthorized weaponry.

As Ron arrives, he gets into Jenny's face.

Where the hell is it?

JENNY
What are you talking about, Ronnie?

RON
The sniper's rifle! Where is it? I know you got it around here somewhere.

Ron glances around the area and, failing to see the weapon, grabs hold of Jenny.

EASY
Hands off!

RON
Forget it! I've been waiting for this for too long.

ZOOM TO MEDIUM TWO SHOT
Ron spins Jenny around and pushes her up against the wall and begins to pat her down.

EASY
Last warning.

RON
Whatever.

Ron's hand stops on her pants pocket.

What's this?

He pulls out a laser pointer.

JENNY
A laser pointer, sir.

Jenny turns around with a grin on her face. Ron is infuriated.

RON
You no good, psychopathic slut!

Ron pulls back to smack Jenny, but his hand is caught.

PAN TO MEDIUM TWO SHOT
Easy is holding Ron's arm as he turns around.

EASY
I warned ya.

Easy pulls back and punches Ron in the face, splattering his nose. Ron goes down like a sack of potatoes.

ZOOM TO TIGHT ONE SHOT OF EASY
Easy smiles with satisfaction.

FADE TO INT. BOARD HEARING - TWO WEEKS LATER
TIGHT ONE SHOT
The smile on Easy's face fades to a very somber look.

ZOOM OUT TO MEDIUM SHOT
Easy is wearing a suit, standing in front of a Internal Affairs Board of Inquiry.

IA AGENT #1
Ezekiel Zechariah Jacobson. Do you understand what you are doing here?

EASY
Yeah. I hit Ronnie.

Easy glances over.

PAN TO MEDIUM ONE SHOT
Ronnie is standing at the other table smiling through his taped-up nose and swollen eyes.

PAN TO WIDE SHOT
Easy turns back to the tribunal.

IA AGENT #2
You are charged with striking a superior officer.
By your own statement, you admit to this.

EASY
He was asking for it. And he's not superior.

IA AGENT #1
He is of higher rank than you. That's all that's important.
It is the finding of the Internal Affairs office that Officer Jacobson is found guilty
and is hereby released from the Chicago Police Department's employment.

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