The Single Man's Survival Guide To A Broken Heart ©

by: Jim Caswell

You are a normal, red-blooded American male; not a stud, but standard across the board. And you're in love. The only problem is that you have recently discovered that the woman you are in love with does not feel the same way. She has broken your heart and you don't know what you're going to do.

First thing you've got to remember is that you will live through it. You will feel as though your world and life are falling apart around you, but you will survive. It is not unmanly to feel lousy; it is natural. Whatever you do, though, don't try to blow it off. The pain and suffering will only increase the longer you postpone. The pain is nature's way of telling you that you did care about her, and everyone needs to care.

So what do we do to get through the pain? First and most importantly, don't lose your temper. If you lose your temper, your liable to say or do something you will regret in the future; if not with this woman, than possibly with the next. That brings us to number two. No matter what your heart tells you, there will be another. As long as you continue to believe that there is someone for everyone, then you will still be able to look for the one for you.

Don't try to go through it alone. Find someone you trust - a friend, a parent, anyone you could trust with your life - because that is what you are doing. Go to that person and have a good cry. It sounds bad, especially to the mind of a man, but if they are a true friend, they will understand. Some will tell you that a real man doesn't cry. I say that it's a real man that can express his feelings of sorrow. That real friend will not think, act, or speak, just sit there and provide the support you will need to get through it.

Do not be ashamed of suffering, but there is a fine line between natural suffering and torturing yourself. Its fine to mourn for a couple of days, but any more than that is torture. Remember that there was nothing you could have done to change things. If things didn't work out, then they weren't meant to. You should never try to change yourself for another person. The one for you will like you as you, and will never want you to be anyone else.

Don't feel bad if you can't get mad. It might just be that you still love her, and that isn't all bad. You probably wish you could find anger, but all you find is hurt. Live with it. Hold onto the memories. The love that you had and have for her may be piercing your heart now, but with time it will make you smile.

Of all the people you talk to, someone will suggest that you "get right back out there. Fool around and have fun. It'll make you forget." Wrong! All it will do is make you feel worse and cheapen the love. Its okay to not rush into other relationships, at least not until you feel emotionally ready. There is no sense in emotionally involving someone that, in any other case, might stand a chance as a long-term relationship, or you may find yourself falling for that person simply to find a replacement. In this case, you may rush the relationship and find later on that it is a disaster. In either case, you will end up right back where you started.

Another thing to remember is that, no matter how much you may want to, don't start bothering her. She has made her decision, and there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change her mind. If she does change her mind, she knows how to get in touch with you. If not, you would be fighting against whatever feelings had developed, and contributing to the negative feelings that have already been built up. If you start bothering her, all that will be accomplished is a feeling of discomfort on her part, which will turn into hate quite easily. You have your fond memories, allow her the chance to keep hers.

Allow yourself a couple of days to feel the pain but don't live with it. Begin to focus on other things that can take your mind off of what has happened to encourage the pain to subside. If you don't, all you will do is make yourself and everyone around you miserable. In addition, that friend can't be expected to loan you a shoulder forever. After the first couple of days, get on with your life. Avoid, to a certain degree, things that you know will bring back the memories, but go back to the way things were before. Eventually, you will be able to hear "your song" without totally losing control. Then, even though your heart has been broken, the memories of the good times will help cover the wounds. At that point, you will be able to chalk the experience up as a lesson in life.

Just remember these few tips. Don't go through it alone; it will only make things worse. Don't try to get mad. She just wants to be happy in her life, the same as you. Wish her the same and move on. Don't force yourself on her. All that will do is cause bad feelings for both of you. Let her remember the good times, not the bad. Remember, but don't dwell on what might have been. Move on with your life. You will experience a battle between your head and your heart. It's natural. Take on the pain one day at a time. You will live through it.

© Copyright 1991, 2003 - James E. Caswell