Urban Amish

Family Fun Night 2003

URBAN AMISH ©

by Dave Estes and Jim Caswell

NARRATOR
In eons past, the Amish sent forth missionaries to spread the good news. What? You never heard of Amish missionaries? What you are about to see is the reason why. Lets just say it did not go well.

One such pioneer, William Jeremiah Morkinson, felt as though the best place to form a new home was within the confines of the city of Chicago. Living in private serenity, this family was separated from the homes of their fathers and was forced to live by the rules of their new environment. It wasn't until the turn of the 21st century that this Amish group was forced to leave their homes - due to a bad tax deal - and begin their quest for the Amish homeland.

William Jeremiah Morkinson had taught them many things, but where home was wasn't one of them.

Now, this ragtag group of Amish is forced to wander the urban landscape, searching for their homeland. They have become known as …

… The Urban Amish.

LIGHTS UP
B-DIDDY sits on the steps of the stage, listening to rap music as the Urban Amish enter from stage door left in their buggy. The five Amish exit the buggy and begin looking around.

JOBEDIAH
I am confused, brother Jedediah.

JEDEDIAH
What forth, brother Jobediah?

JOBEDIAH
I was expecting this land to be more …. Green.

JEDEDIAH
Why is that, brother?

JOBEDIAH
Was not this land named "Cabrini Green?"

JENNIDIAH
Is it not obvious that we are lost?
Whine didn'tst though usest thine map?

OBEDIAH
Watch thine tongue, woman.

B-Diddy is sitting on the stoop, listening to these strangers talk and trying to restrain his laughter. Once they have all climbed out of the buggy, Jedediah points the control at it, setting the alarm.

JEDEDIAH (looking at B-Diddy)
Pardon us, young man. Perhapest thou can render us with assistance?

B-DIDDY
Whatchou want, brother?

JEDEDIAH (pointing to the cast as he goes)
My name is Jedediah Morkinson.
This is my father, Obediah, my brother, Jobediah,
his wife, Jennediah, and their son, Bob.
And you would be?

B-DIDDY
I be B-Diddy.

OBEDIAH
For sooth! What matter of title doest thou warrant?

B-DIDDY
Sooth? What you sayin' old man?

BOB
Yo yo yo, my kind fellow! We meaneth no ill.
Gramps Obediah is old school Amish, and doesn't know the 411.
We hath heard of the famed P-Diddy, but where did you get the name B-Diddy?

B-DIDDY
I be Diddy looong before he P-Diddy.

JENNIDIAH
Kind sir. We are lost, thanks to the errs of my dear brother.
Doest though know the way to Amish country?

P-DIDDY
I know how to get you to the tollway, but I don't know nuthin' 'bout no Amish country.

JEDEDIAH
We have come from the fabled toll way from whence you speak,
but have no need for your booths that take our hard-earned coin.

OBEDIAH
And thoust most foul horseless carriages that doth move too fast.

JENNEDIAH
Speak truth, dear brother.
You were too cheap to buy an I-Pass whenst you had the chance.

B-DIDDY
What kinda people are you? Your Republicans, aren't you?

OBEDIAH
We doest not meddle in the ways of the outside world.

BOB
Stay cool, brotha'. We're Urban Amish.

B-DIDDY
Ahh. I heard there was a new gang forming on the west side.
Those some dope colors your sportin' G,
and I ain't never seen a ride like that.

BOB
We rollin' on 36s.

B-DIDDY
You need a set of speakers for that thing?
My cousin can hook you up.

JEDEDIAH
What we doth need is to get back with the rest of our group.
As we sayeth before, we are searching for Amish country, and have lost our way.

B-DIDDY
Well, my old lady has a phone up stairs.
Why don't you give your boys a call on their cells,
find out where they be hangin'?

JOBEDIAH
Bob. Wouldst though consult the amplified book of Urban Amish doctrine.

Bob pulls out an old book of doctrine, flipping through it for direction.

BOB
We aren't allowed to use phones, my man, but it don't say nothin' about Nextel.
It has a direct connect feature.
If I can use your computer to send a text message, we're half way home.

OBEDIAH
Such foul creatures, which doth use technology.

BOB
It's either that, or stay lost, Gramps.

OBEDIAH
Then I doth say, hook us up my man.

Bob wraps his arm around B-Diddy as the group walk off stage. The lights begin to fade.

NARRATOR
And as the scene fades to black, another day ends on our family of Urban Amish.

BOB
It always fades to black.
We need a rule change so we can get some lights up in here!

ALL URBAN AMISH (chanting together)
Up in here! Up in here! Up in here!