Star Wars: The Remix

Family Fun Night 2005

STAR WARS:
THE REMIX ©

by Steve Cain and Jim Caswell

The lights are off within the sanctuary. The Star Wars theme music begins while the introduction scrolls up the screen.

(SCREEN INTRO)
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ...

STAR WARS
Episode VI
Return Of The Jedi
The Remix

A Spike Lee Joint

While George Lucas was lining up another scheme
designed to part his willing fans from their money,
he came up with the idea of "updating" his third film.
While strolling through downtown Los Angeles,
he spotted Spike Lee trying to score free tickets
to a Lakers/Knicks game by yelling,
"Hey, I know Jack Nicholson."
Lucas offered to get Spike in
if he'd "Urbanize" the last film.
While the director was initially against the idea,
Lucas threw in an independent four-picture deal.
The rest, as they say, is history.
History that is disastrous, stomach-churning,
tear-inducing, but history none-the-less.

This is a teaser of what will be appearing in your local multiplex in 2006.

The lights come up to reveal Rizzo Tizzo & 3 Diddy stroll in from stage right, having a very animated conversation.

RIZZO TIZZO
(Various noises for about 10-15 seconds)

3 DIDDY
Now Rizzo Tizzo, don't be hatin' just because I got all the bling bling.

LUKE (from stage left)
3 Diddy, Rizzo … chill homies. It's all-good. Diddy, my dawg.

Luke and Diddy do an urban "handshake."

RIZZO TIZZO
(more noises)

3 DIDDY
Rizzo says What up, G?

LUKE
Master Yo Dog is coming to do the Miagi thing with me. Dude is SO fly.

3 DIDDY
So you gonna jack Master D if he tries to put it on you?

LUKE
Hey, if D wants to go, I'll go, but he'll be hurtin big when I get done.

YO DOG (offstage)
Violence the answer is not. All saying, we are, is give peace a chance.

Yo Dog enters from stage right.

LUKE
Master Yo Dog, with all respect, John Lennon bought it 300 years ago.
What'd that jibe get him?

YO DOG
It is not him you must worry about, young Jedi, but yourself.

The "Imperial March" begins to play.

Hold on, my celly be blowing up.

Answers cell phone. Luke, 3 Diddy & Rizzo Tizzo look impatient, bored and tap feet while Yo Dog says things like "Yes," "hm hm" and other "Yoda" sounds. After about a minute, Yo Dog puts phone away.

LUKE
What's up with that?

YO DOG
Coming here, Master D is. For Luke he is looking. In your grill, he wants to get.

LUKE
Get in my grill?

YO DOG
He wants to fight.

EVERYONE
Oh.

Darth Vader's breathing is heard. Master D comes down center aisle. Luke immediately stops him.

LUKE (hand raised)
You want to throw down, old man! I'll throw!

MASTER D
I'm not here to whack you, Luke. There is something you need to know.

LUKE
What you sellin, I ain't buyin!

MASTER D
Here.

Master D hands Luke a DVD.

LUKE
What's this?

MASTER D
It's a video from the Maury show. I am the one that is known as… The baby's daddy!

LUKE
Don't play me!

MASTER D
I ain't playing.

LUKE
No!!!!!!!!

MASTER D
You must join me, Luke. I got me a fly crib. We'll hang like homeys.
We'll own this hood together.

YO DOG
A disturbance in the Force, I strongly feel.

All stop. Master D starts to cower.

MASTER D
It is even stronger than the Force.

LUKE
Obi-Wan, is that you?

YO DOG
Stronger it is than Obi-Wan, hm hm.

MASTER D
It is, YOUR MOTHER!

Paddy Whacked comes out from stage right, in her hand is a big purse.

MASTER D
Paddy Whacked, baby.

PADDY WHACKED
Don't baby me, fool.
You got time to go conquer the universe, but you can't even call to give us the 411.

MASTER D
But, but ...

PADDY WHACKED
Don't but me, sucka. You leave me stuck here with our son and these three fools?
And now - NOW - when he tries to make something out of his life,
you come back and try to recruit him for your gang. I don't think so!

Paddy Whacked starts swinging purse.

You wait till I get my hands on you.

Master D starts screaming and runs down aisle as Paddy Whacked chases him, swinging the purse.

YO DOG
Fools we are?

LUKE
I think he was the bigger fool.

RIZZO TIZZO
(more noises)

3 DIDDY
You're right Rizzo, you don't mess with Mama!