Star Trek: The Jesus Generation

Family Fun Night 2004

STAR TREK:
THE JESUS GENERATION ©

by Jim Caswell, Steve Cain and Luke Wagner

The lights are off within the sanctuary. The screen starts showing a starscape as the Star Trek theme music begins.

(voiceover)
Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the U.S.S. Revival.
Its continuing mission, to explore a stronger relationship with God.
To seek His face and purpose for our lives.
To boldly go where no man has gone before.

The starscape is replaced by the Star Trek logo. The lights come up to reveal the crew of the U.S.S. Revival at their stations.

CAPTAIN KIRK
Captain's log: 123104.
The crew has faced trials over the past year,
but has persevered to continue to seek God's will.
As we await our next assignment,
we find ourselves looking forward to whatever may come.

CHEKOV
Captain. Alien wessel approaching.

CAPTAIN KIRK
What kind of aliens?

CHEKOV
They only come to Sunday serwices, showing up late and leaving early,
vant the pastors to be at their beck and call,
but doubt ewerything that is said from the pulpit
and refuse to contribute anything to the church body, sir.

MR. SPOCK
That is completely illogical, Captain.

CAPTAIN KIRK
What are these aliens called, Mr. Chekov?

CHEKOV
Kling-Ons, Captain.

MR. SPOCK
Klingons?

BONES McCOY
No, he said Kling-Ons. The other would be a copywrite infringement.

THE CREW (nodding in understanding)
Ahhh.

Spock leans over his scanner.

MR. SPOCK
Captain, readings indicate they have recently decloaked
and are preparing to come aboard.

CAPTAIN KIRK
Go to Red Alert.

Everyone starts making different siren noises, making for an obnoxious racket.

CAPTAIN KIRK (shouting over the noise)
Now cut that out!

The crew stops.

CAPTAIN KIRK
That's better. Can we outrun them?

SCOTTY
Ah'm giving 'er all she's got, Cap'in.
The engines, they can take much more!
If we keep at this pace, we're gonna be torn apart!
They're shakin' like a we lass at a Davey Jones concert!

CAPTAIN KIRK
Scotty, we haven't entered warp yet.

SCOTTY
Oh. Well, never min' then.

SULU
We're being boarded, Captain.

The Kling-On Warrior (dressed as a Klingon from Next Generation) enters through the stage door.

BONES McCOY
Hey, aren't you in the wrong century?

KLING-ON WARRIOR
These Saturday evening services really cut into my bar time.
And can we cut down the Sunday service to thirty minutes or less?
I'd like to get in at least nine holes of golf.
Oh, and the music is way too loud. You need to turn down the volume some.

CAPTAIN KIRK
Intruder alert!

The Kling-On Warrior starts to approach.

RED SHIRT
Ah man. Here we go again.

Red Shirt reaches down behind the barrier wall, pulling out and igniting a lightsaber and jumping toward the Kling-On. As he prepares to attack ...

THE CREW
Luke! Wrong movie!

Red Shirt stops, realizing that he has stepped outside the boundaries of continuity, then smiles at the audience. He attacks the Kling-On Warrior with the lightsaber, continuing to strike even after his foe has been defeated. He finally finishes several seconds later.

RED SHIRT
How 'bout that. I finally won one.

Red Shirt goes back to his station.

MR. SPOCK
Well, that is an unexpected development.

CAPTAIN KIRK
Bones. Take care of that, would you?

BONES McCOY
Dang it, Jim. I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.

SCOTTY
Yeah. That's mah title.

Bones and Scotty walk over to the Kling-On, pray over him, lay hands on him, and anoint him with oil. After a couple of seconds, the Kling-On Warrior springs back to his feet.

KLING-ON WARRIOR
I repent. I'm sorry. I want to be hungry, humble and teachable.
Can I join your mission?

CAPTAIN KIRK
You may. What's your name, Kling-On?

KLING-ON WARRIOR
Worf, sir.

BONES McCOY
Yep, definitely in the wrong century.